Jun 19, 2012

You Think BeiberFever Is As Bad as It Gets?

Sometimes, the right people have kids. Sometimes, the wrong ones do. I don't know these folks, so I'll let you decide.  

Jun 13, 2012

You Suck, Junie B. Jones

Consider this a warning, Junie B. Jones.  You don’t like to play by the rules.  The world is yours, and we’re just paying rent.  Doing your thing.  I get that.  But now, you and your crappy attitude done messed with the wrong dude, and I got you in my sights.  

I’m not sure how you did it.  Trying to do something nice for my kid, I picked up a couple of your books at the BarNoble. Buy two, get one free.  What a deal, right?
A deal indeed.  A crap deal!  Because after I brought you home and read a few chaps of Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus, all the sudden, my princess is acting like a cranky-ass dragon.  A tiny, curly headed, biracial dragon.  What the hell, Junie B?!  

Do you think teaching kids to have a crap attitude is funny?  When your mom takes time off work to show you around your new kindergarten class, and all you can do is scream at the teacher about your dumb viking hat - is that funny?  Is that a good time in your world?  Or when you tell Mr. Woo that his bus stanks, just because your dumb pre-K self is too scared to ride it?  Is that nice?  Should we all act like that? The man comes all the way from China just to give his family a better life, and you tell him his office is “stupid” and “smelly”?  That’s a crap attitude, Junie B., and I hope your mother beats it out of you.  

So check this, Junie B.  Normally, I’m a nice guy, but you push even Ghandi hard enough, and he’s gonna swing that big walking stick at you.  Maybe even cut you up with his little John Lennon glasses.  For real.  So stop being such a Junie B-otch, and show my kid how a nice, respectful 6 year old behaves.  And maybe, I’ll let all this other booty chatter slide.  I need to be dealing with that punk-A Ramona Quimby anyway, so how about you cool it and I’ll move on to her instead.  

But keep it up, and you mine as well be Bubba Sparxx - it gonna get ugly!  I’m talking thrift store, Junie B.  You.  A plastic bag.  The thrift store.  No reciept, no paper trail. Test me if you really wanna know.  Please Believe It!