Parenthood 2.0: Baby Is Back, And This Time, He Means Business

In most cases, the more you do something, the easier that 'something' gets.  That's how it's supposed to work.  When I first got my license, it was like watching Andy Dick drive Nascar. But after some quality road time, and a couple "learning experiences" - 3 fender benders and getting chewed out by a racist Atlanta sheriff - I was a pro.  If my insurance rate says otherwise, it's because WIFE is not a pro.

Parenting is, however, nothing like driving.  It does not get easier with experience.  You think it does, but it doesn't.  Case in point: for five years, I have been a dad.  From diapers and formula chunks on my shirt to kindergarten and "No you can't have a Bratz doll!", I have been dere and derd dat.  So I should be really good, right?  Right???  WRONG!  We just had MONSTA 2.O, and three days into it, I don't know what the hell I'm doing!  The phrase "circus without a tent" comes to mind.  It's chaos, and that's with GRANDMA in town to help.  She leaves on Monday, and when she does...god help us all.

What happened the first time around?  It feels like I didn't learn anything.  An entire semester of classes has passed, and the final exam still looks like an alien wrote it. It's sophomore-year Algebra all over again.   The past five years should have left me with an encyclopedia of parenting know-how and expertise, but it hasn't.  Instead, it feels like our little girl just appeared one day.  Too sassy and fabulous for heaven, she dropped in our living room, able to brush her own teeth and use a fork.  Logically, I know I helped her reach this age alive, but I'm not sure how.  I look back, and there's only a blur.  A giant screen of static, like in Poltergeist.

Deep breath.  Now downward dog.  Another deep breath.  MONSTA 2.0 is here, and there's no turning back.  Plus, he's super-delicious, so telling the stork "wrong address" is out.  I have to do this, and history tells me that if I can keep one kid from jumping in the oven/falling off the fire escape/telling NY1 horrible lies about her teacher...I can do it again.  Of course, history also said George Washington challenged a beaver named John Henry to a cherry-tree chewing contest only to be disqualified for using wooden teeth, so he's hardly a reliable source.